Wednesday, May 12, 2004

archive of a journal i had on my 1st palm....nothing new will be added if you read it....theres no need to be here again.

Tuesday, April 29, 2003


its been a long time since i've written.
that maybe because ive been busy or didnt feel like it or just didnt care.....

but now here i am, sad...lost confused and pissed myself for feeling the previous.

Stacy and I really seem to hit it off...but she has somethings she has to work out. i know that im constantly getting too close way too freakin fast, but this time i feel like its totally justifiable.

she is everything that i have ever wanted......she is so like me.

i have issues that i seriously need to work out...i have this major knot in my stomach and i just dont know how to cope....i feel myself falling in love with someone that maybe i shouldnt...way too soon. shes just so great.....i miss her every second im away....she says she cares...but i fear what she actually feels.....well she is moving out...maybe next week this will totally change for us..i hope she means a lot to me.

i need to get past these issues that plauge me.....illl be happy then...

we can be happy together. the worse thing is i have no one to talk to about it.....


ok i know its been a while, ive been busy with the in now...thank god. it looks nice...and its cozy.......this weekend is gonna be weird.....i may see carey (at have a nice day---shanin invited me out)tomorrow.....and then theres dans party and mergedownis playing on saturday......and all while lancaster invades not sure if im looking forward to this.

im tired im gonna leave soon go to G.E. get food and hair dye eds coming over. im gonna relax tonight.......yeah right...i wont relax.


ok i got im worried that i screwed up with jess...and im scared about tanya coming down.i dont know whats wrong with me...i dont get it.

started packing last night......this is gonna be a pain.but it will be worth it....

jason says everythings cool with jess.....i hope so.

ed was laid off yesterday...that sux.....that whole WTC thing is really fucking with the world.


ok its crazy about tanya.....i dont think about carey or jess.....damn im fucked up.....also i just took the apartment so ill be in october 1st....hopefully sept 29,30.....
tanya and her friends are coming october think tanya is gonna stay with me....thats gonna be weird
i look forward to it..

so know i gotta start getting ready to move so its quick and painless.

i need to do something about shelves for movies...thats all i dont have...should i build or i need to do something about the slings for the couch.

what else do in need....hmmmm.

hmmm, im sorta tired...i got a good idea to finish my end tables for the apartment though........round wood table top covered in liquid latex

no more saying.....i may be home late, im staying at joes, or hell, im going out.

im so excited to get in my own place....
im also excited that tanya is coming back again.


well i IMed tanya last night till almost 2....i am absoluttely crazy about her.....she likes good music and movies....r.e.m., tmbg, pixies, dead milkmen....WHY DOES SHE LIVE SO FAR!!!!!

i cant wait till after7...ill be able to talk to tanya again.....i should call her soon...just to hear her voice.
what do i do if jess wants to see me?

fate has stepped into my life and totally is fate that i met tanya....but what was the point....was it just to kkep jess and i apart....or is it a lesson or should tanya and i be together?
who knows.


well friday night went great. apparently she had a great we are to get together this week sometime. now the funny thing is i was so worried about carey coming into the picture and messing me up. i never imagined this, saturday night went about my normal mergedown going routine.....was nervous about carey being there even though i knew she wouldnt be. never imagined id meet walk Tanya, (A.)the name alone kicks ass, then we talked and rode to the s.side together and talked and talked and talked.....then went back to her hotel and talked and talked and talked and kissed and held each was she is all i can think about....sadly...Jess who.....? and heres the rub....Tanya lives 3hours away. how do i deal with that? so now i am in a real bad i forget about jess even though its a slim chance ill ever see tanya again or do i forget about tanya and supress these feelings and see jess? or do i walk away from both? YEAH! this sucks!

tanya's face hasnt left my head.....what was it about her? i have no idea....she just totally kicked ass.

i hope i get to talk to her tonight. im sad today, it appears this light in my life is too distant, so i am again in the dark.

well, appparently she really liked me....and wants to see me agani....lunch


well, i didnt write yesterday cause it was a weird day. 2 planes crashed into the world trade center and one into the pentegon and one in the fuck does someone ever conceive the idea to hijack a freaking commercial airliner and crash it into a building im sorry 3 planes in to 3 building 2 of which have 50,000 innocent .....screw innocent.....just people in it.....along with killing yourself ...all in the name of some belief.....fuck that i dont belive in anything that strongly.....makes you wonder if its actually belief that they have.

on a lighter note...carey brought me a krispy kreme doughnut..mmmmm sweet doughnut.

i dont know what is about her but when i look at her and try to talk, i swallow my freakin tounge

too much for today:
5 K.K.(glaze type)


well, here we are another friday...yawn.
at least it appears as if i have some plans....tonight ....have a nice cafe- awwwyeah.......(sarcasm thank you)
tomorrow bar11....maybe ill see jess...that would be cool.....she comes home today.

note- i think i wanna make a public list of celebs i thought were dead.
and words thats disturb me.

3-3.5 hours left...ok im hungry...i should go to lunch...i have a poptart...yum.

i hope i have a decent time tonight.....if i see a cute baby, i need to do something about it holding back tonight. get the good andy back.

boy my days go so freaking slow least till i get outta work that is.


damn im tired and i dont feel too good.
i think tonight i may get that receiver and then do some web work...those programs are really cool


just got to deal with carey a little bit.god is she she was talking to me ....she seems to stumble around her words like some one who has something on their mind......but doesnt know quite what to do or say about it......sorta like i do when i talk to her.

man one opportunity is all that i want.....i just want a chance to make her fall for me. that day will probably never come.

im gonna just sit back and be myself with her. hopefully she will see that im sincere, and things will work my way.

i know that im hoping for way too much, a girl like carey would never be into someone like me.

lets see how much of what i want to get done actually will:
clean up room a bit
get spark plugs
go to best buy
drive past that apt
ok im taking off a little early today....
im gonna fix up my room and get organized im fuckin 26 i gotta do something over here........maybe that apartment would be good......we'll see.


ok well, i feel a little depressed.....tomorrow is just another day.....and yet, it brings me down. why are birthdays nothing but depressing for me anymore? it really sucks.

i am very alone. i dont want to be alone anymore but im not gonna settle. but i also want to be alone, in my own place. pretty ironic huh?
i want to be alone but i dont wanna be alone. im really screwed up. im tired of feeling this way. im tired.

everytime i think of what i have to look forward to i get very down.......cause i have nothing. i just want to meet the right person. i wake up cold and empty every morning. i want to wake up warm.

Carey is really chatty with me at times via e-mail. i don't know if i like it. im sure that ill just start to like her more and more and just end up getting hurt.....its what i always do to myself....and so is life.

i think i need a change.....i may start with a slight wardrobe change then do apartment......i need too goddamn depressed anymore.

last nightwas great i had such a good time with my headache is freakin killin me.just need more beer to ease the pain...that girl 3doorsdown is cute....i gotta get her to come down tonight.....oh well well see...this is reallly hard to type on my to sum having a great freakin time.......oh and im tired too......


im not too sure what to do. should i take the risk and rent or stay at home for another 1or 2 and buy. god i dont wanna stay there....i get so frustrated there.

you never realize how much you would like to say hi to someone until they are gone.

i sorry that i didnt make it to see you candy. i really am. that was really wrong of me.......i realize that i miss you now that your gone.

do you think anyone would mind if i was to scream

ok a litle more relaxed now

ok now im in a good mood.
i got to help Carey.God is she adorable. I just want one shot to sweep her off her feet. And if i cant then I will be over her. I just wanna know. Her eyes are incredable. is one shot too much to ask? the last person to make me this way was Cuyler. DAMN!

i have alot to do tonight plus i wanna do some work. first comes the trip though.


what a dream last night, she was so perfect. i know it was a dream because one of two things.....1. noone is that perfect 2.anyone even close to that would stay away from me.

the worst thing is not n
knowing how to talk to someone.

something is terribly wrong today. i have no idea what it is.

i cant think mnid keeps wandering and i have slight headache developing behind my left everyday work seems so complicated right now.......god this sucks.

ok. i havent heard from them concerning food...that pisses me off.
im letting you guys come to my families cabin.......cooperate with me!!!!!

the afternoons go so much quicker.
its funny how much someone wants you back when you are not around. i dont know how to tell her i cant do it. but she's cleaning up, so i gotta be nice to her, for her sake.

man the things i gotta do this week, in prep for the weekend.

i just found out a girl that i knew from a few years ago( that i sorta had a slight crush on)
was stabbed to death last night by her boyfriend. life is just too unbelievable


so, yeah i didnt write yesterday....i was busy.

thank god its TGIF
and the parents are going weekend is the cabin...sweet.
and soon Jess should be coming home. hopefully she'll still wanna see me.


well i feel sorry for myself again, just vented to ed and i just wanna curl in a ball and cry.


well, i got nothing done last night, except i got real far on max payne. an marks invite which once i printed it out, it was wrong...oh well.
hopefully tonight i we can drive past that house and then make an appointment to check it out, inside. plus, maybe get some other work done. i hope....maybe i can squeeze in a game of max payne too.


god, i have a headache. i need to get on my own...completely. own house, business, life.....everything.

the day is slowly closing, its never soon enough.

i hope marks invites turn out ok.


well, its almost the middle of the month....15 days till im 26, what fun. i had to work that stupid SAE carshow rained. lwts see, i feel like ive lost alot of time. the summers almost over and i really havent done too much of anything. thats pretty sad. really makes me regret my life. my teeth aren't feeling to good. i need to do something. something real, get out of this seudo life im in.
plus im sick of my job....not the place, just what im doing....its just what i was doing at the reporter.

tonight, im gonna do some cleaning and then try to get so of this furniture moving...and decide about a site and do my site....this weekend ill have to go downtown and videotape the since im not using ME ill need to find another way to get video into stop action......freakin fun!

almost lunch. wonder what to do about this house thing...gotta make a move soon. this is gonna be the best for me......this would be very cool if i can do it.

Carey and Shanin were out walking around the building at lunch today....the came out of the building and were at the top of the hill and Carey kept looking over her shoulder in my direction. i dont know. then they came into the lunch room as i threw away stuff.....she smiled, waved and said hi, looked at me with those beautiful eyes. she's amazing. i wish i could tell her how i felt without looking like a fool.

so, nothing else has been said concerning Jess, im sure everything will be cool when she gets back, i Just gotta impress her-hardcore. she is so adorable. this is one of those oppurtunities i cant fuck up.


well my hang over is slowly fading aaway...thank god.sometimes i think that i have a problem.....i need to watch how much i drink....damn.


well, its been a good day considering.
i just hung up with melissa and i woory about her, but it makes me realize that i can do whatever i want. and since im where i am im pretty lucky. she constatly tosses away every opportunity she has, she doesnt care about herself at all, or her future.
"borrowing" her mom's credit card and charging $1000 in Alcohol...what has happened to that girl? that is so fucked up.i really worry about her, but what can i do i put 2 years of my life into trying to help her and i just get walked on. i care but just enough that ill listen but it doesnt bring me down. iguess i can say that i love her....but im not "in" love with her. there is nothing that i can do to help her, except listen. but does that even help at all? i always listened and it did nothing. oh well.


11:54 am
found a few houses, maybe a fixer-upper would be cool a 54k house is only $250....well, for 30 years but its $200 less than apts i was lookin at.

ok, this is good im more awake today than i have been. i have a bit of work to do hopefully ill be productive. I have to do MArk's invites.


Waldo is selling her house, should I go for it. My parents seem to think its a good idea. I mean it would be real tight but just think about it. My House it sounds real cool. So now what to do. Hopefully he'll go look at it tonight and I can decide what I wanna do.....well, we'll see.

here's an idea, i get the loan for like 10k more and payoff my car, computer, and maybe school my payment maybe more a month but not as much as each bill seperately...hmmm it could work.

August 6th Damn this summer has really flown by. i am such a waste of energy. Luckily i dont have a lot so im not wasting much. there has to be something for me to do to fix this shit. is this my quarter-century crisis? why is my life so lame?

i wonder like ed said, how many people my age ARE happy? probably not alot of em. maybe this is the time for alot of unhappiness in our lives. maybe im just really alone.

ok, i am really tired. and this is my fault. ive trained my body to feel this way. im looking at 2 apt. tonight and this is gonna get me going...i just hope thats its not too late in my life for a lifestyle change.....well......we shall see.

well, its freakin lame...its satuurday night, i have no friends, no devotions, and no energy. what should is do? i have been thinking alot. i realized how badly ive fucked up my life. i walk through the days blindly.....i think im better than i am....i was never like this. what has happened to me? how did i get to be this way. is this why my life seems so blank. im tired, how much longer do i have in me.


well, im slowly trying to get a feel for carey's situation and take on slowly analyzing her answers to vaarious questions, so i can see if she is on the ssame page as i. except i havent received an email back yet. oh well only time will tell.

i think that it would be best if i leavve the whole carey issue alone for a while if i dont receive an email soon....god i feel like a stalker, im not a stalker though. im jusst a confused boy trying to make a good descision...i hope im just being paranoid.

god, my body is slowly wearing down to the energy of slime. i need something to get me going. anything.

i feel really alone today. i dont know why. there is no reasson for it, i am just alone.


so here i sit waiting for her to call....will she? god i hope so. i cant wait to talk to her let alone see her. i have a lot of hope in this with her. i just hope i dont fuck it up. oh well, tomorrow is another day...... good night.

i cant believe its thursday already...not that im complaining..believe me...i desire the weekends arrival. ive been a little happier recently, since Jess (too) told me about....Jess. ill be happier once the day comes that i get some kind of sign from her.(email phone whatever) but the day that (if it comes) we go out with be great....i will put my all into this. i have fucked up way too many time, i cant let it happen anymore.

lunch yet? is the day over yet? god, i cant wait to just go home. and do nuthin. but i know that thats not true....i cant do nuthin, (well, i can but i cant let myself) i should probabbly organize the area i call home(my desk), work computer just crashed.....DAMN MACS, i hate those damned things. i need to get an apartment get organized and do something with my freakin life. oh well.

so lets see, the day is slowly coming to a close and i really dont wanna do anymore work.what is my problem....why am i so lazy anymore? things could be worse, i could be dying.

speaking of which, ive seen alot of young deaths this past week...two. its just sorta weird.....who ever know 15 could be a halfway point to death now a only 4 years from death if thats the case.

i don't know if death scares me or im just worried about what ill miss after im gone....either way, it sucks.

ok now its really confusing. Carey and I really seem to hit it off, maybe its just me and my naivity. I seem to think that there is something there, but maybe she is just being civil to me. But I must say there definately is something to the way the she looked at me as we parted today. almost as if to say,"Well, aren't you gonna say something?" i dont know what to think. god she's amazing!

ok i wonder just what would be a bad idea. would the harmless after work coctail be innappropriate? i suck at this stuff.

finally this day is over, one more till the weekend. better think bout this whole carey thing before i act on my gut.

i came to borders to get some stuff out. next a beer,mmmmmm.
i can to realize to day that i really have lost my edge. it was so hard to sing yesterday. maybe it is possible to embarrass me now......did i just say that? damn! so i should be thinking about this carey not too sure what to do, we seem to click everytime we talk, alot of eye sex when we talk.she seems to really look at me. the question is, is she still with, Angelo......anyways, i need to find that out, on my own.....from her. like she would have perferred the first time. i should have just walked up to her 8 months ago and just let it its all built up inside and.....enter "Jess", so now where do i take it. well, jess isnt here, she has my number (and email?)and there has been no contact i dont know what to think. just how long ago did she say that to jessica too? youd be surprised how quickly things can change. i know i am. well, now what? im so bad at "the waiting game" i hate those fucking kind of games. no more games soon as i find out what is gonna soon as i have a an idea what i want to do im gonna put all my heart into too old for this shit. i need some security in my not sure if ive really had real security.
all that i want is to be cared for. someone to look at me the way i look at them, with total devotion.well i guess thats enough for now. its 10 and i was a freaking drink. i need a companion.....i dont drink as much when im not i need to find a damned apartment. that independance is something else i need along with that thing called love.

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